I wanna bang Ann Coulter.
I don't know. I just can't help it. Everything about Ann Coulter makes me want to jump on her like a right wing fundamentalist onto a pile of legitimately confiscated Jewgold. She is the love of my life, and I wanna bang her. Thank god she doesn't have weird red rashes on her arms that are probably STDs (Satanically Transmitted Diseases). Oh wait, she does. Well at least she's smart and likes music and fishing.
Some people are like, "Dude, Ann Coulter, she's evil, why would you wanna have sex with her?" I'm aware that Ann's heart is made of liquid nitrogen and she lives and breathes to vicariously advocate human suffering. Big deal. That's never stopped me from falling in love in the past. Everyone has a few issues. Plus, nice girls usually suck in bed, therefore Ann is great in bed. Logic++.
Here is a list of why I love Ann Coulter.
- She's a celebrity.
- She has an Official Website.
- I wanna bang her.
I know there's more reasons. I wrote down like 55 today on a piece of paper today while I was watching the porno of her and Jon Stewart. Here's one reason, and this should be solid proof because I found it on the internet.
I went to this website that magically guages love between two people. I typed in our names and here's what it said about us:
Beleive that? We scored a whopping two thousand, six hundred and eighty on the love meter. That's the number of soldiers killed in the Iraq war. It's like we were meant to be. This is amazing.
Isn't she cute how she tries to smile just for me even though it's clear that she hasn't smiled in like fifteen years? Look at that. When a hardcore right wing conservative like Ann Coulter can ignore a vicious Mexican riot and attempt to smile as she passionately stares into my eyes, you know it's true love.
Some people tell me, "Dude, man, seriously, dude, man, you guys would never make it together. You have nothing on common." Fuck that.
Here is a list of things Ann and I have in common. And this time, instead of bullets, I'm going to use tanks because Ann likes tanks more than bullets.
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We both love attention. |
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We both love Jews. |
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We both write best selling novels (except me). |
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Neither of us died in the September 11th attacks. |
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We both pee standing up. |
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We both poop standing up. |
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We both stand up in protest of abortion (Ann is sterile). |
See? And Ann Coulter's initials are AC because she's really hot and needs as much AC as she can get because she's so hot. Get it? So hot. AC.. Ann Coulter, air conditioning. Anything?... hot, ac, AC.. hot Anne coulter, hot, ac..? You're not laughing. Asshole.
Sometimes I wonder about how I can get Ann to feel the same way about me as I do about her. I really want to impress her. It's going to be difficult though because she's such a famous celebrity and every guy in the world wants their penis into her.
I figure I'll get a suastica tattoo on my junk. Then I'll serenade to her palace nude with red suspenders while singing chapters out of her latest book and playing the Blockflöte.
If that doesn't work, there's always beer. Holy shit I got so drunk tonight. I'm still holy shit drunk tonight. I can't even believe it. Clickity clack.
Here's a message: ajwiegjwoeigj which is Drunkian for "I wanna bang Ann Coulter." So baby, if you read this site, please email me because I love you and every night I wish you were lying next to me in the dark. Way dark, like seriously pitch black dark like a dead raven in a coffin on a moonless night dark with a muzzle on you but don't take it personally. And maybe duct tape or a straight jacket around your arms but it's still love, just think of it as newage bondage sexy roll playing. I want you mummified and possibly engraved in stone so we can have crazy kinky sex, in fact, just gimme a generic blonde blowup doll with "Anne" written across the top and we're golden. Okay, a tube sock with the tip spray painted yellow is good for me. I'll see you in a few minutes baby. Gnight. ;)
Last updated September 17th, 2006