Weapons on airplanes should be mandatory.
I went through airport security the other day and they made me get rid of my pencils, orange juice, and laser-guided death bludgeon. Not only that, but they made me drain all the fluid out of my balls. I had to wank in the airport restroom, which I would have done anyway, but it's not fun when people are forcing me to. Plus, I almost missed the flight. I had to go through security four times because the guards kept jiggling my nuts and saying, "Nope, I still hear some fetal fluid slishing around in there."
They stuck my dick in a centrifuge, or as they called it, a TSA - Testical Suctioning Apparatus. It spun me around like King Kong fucking the Tasmanian Devil. So I said, "Fuck this. To hell with vacation." I stole the device and went home.
Everyone has their airport security horror stories. It's common knowledge that the whole routine is bullshit. But what really doesn't make sense is how any of it increases security.
Airport security makes everybody defenseless. That is not security. At any point, all a terrorist has to do is sneak a weapon on board and he's home free. Then it's terrorist tag-team for the whole flight. It's like dropping ten thousand shaven puppies into a pit of velociraptors.
That is why it should be mandatory for all passengers to be equipped with weapons at all times.
As an airline passenger, it should be your responsibility to be a hero and help fight off terrorists whenever they make a move.
To make sure you are secure onboard the aircraft, the TSA will use these guidelines set forth by the 3-1-1 policy.
Those are the requirements. If you walk through the metal detector and it doesn't beep, they escort you into an interrogation room for questioning and a quick test of your combat skill. If you do not have either weapons or abilities, they will be supplied for you.
If you pass, they plant the appropriate weaponry on you and send you onto the plane.
Now when you ride in a plane, you can feel safe knowing that the second anyone pulls a hijack move, a hundred pissed off passengers will whip out shanks and lynch his neck before he can say, "I'm hijacking thi..."
That's security if you fucking ask me. There will be a few mistakes, of course. A stoner might exclaim, "I'm high.." and his face will be diced like soggy foreskin in a cuisinart.
Another possibility is to strap small explosives around every passenger's nutsack. If you're a girl, they insert it up your shniz like a tampon - a tambomb. Everyone on board has the ability to vote. If someone gets voted on by the majority of the passengers, his nuts blasted through the floor into the cargo bay where they're eaten by the puppies sitting in cages down there, who are then dropped out the back of the plane and land in a pit of velociraptors.
So next time you're on a plane and you see the 'Fasten Seatbelt' light turn off and the 'Draw Katana' light come on, get ready. Because it's time to bust out your
Last updated June 7th, 2007