Hello, Cheese. I am Alexander.

Over the years, I have been eating you. Your coagulated nature; supression of poo; your disagreement with my stomach content, all of these things have disrupted my digestive process.

With the arrival of your latest product, Squeeze Cheesecake, I have decided that your organization should be destroyed. I acknowledge you as a potentially delicious food, and I am prepared to sacrifice grilled cheese sandwiches forever.

You cannot hide; only melt.

Cheese has brought indigestion and obesity for centuries and it's time it is destroyed.

If you want another name for your opponent, then call me Anonymouse, which is a pun on the hacker group named Anonymous, who is declaring war on Scientology, which is what this article is blatently parodizing, which nobody seems to get because they haven't been paying attention to what's going on in the world.

These are my methods of destruction -

1. Prank call Kraft support line and say very lol things like "Cheese damaged my feet, and now I lack-toes."

2. Shop clever twists of corporate cheese logo.

32. Drink as much milk as I can so that it cannot ever be turned into cheese.

8. Eat four tubes of Easy Cheese, shit on the fax machine, and send it to Kraft. Also known as brown faxing.

I encourage all to join me.

Soy is better.

I am Alexander

I am hungry.

I am tired.

I'll probably forget.

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Last updated February 8th, 2008