Things that don't belong in the bathroom.
1. Plungers.
Are you a crappy shitter? A plunger may help you out temporarily, but keep in mind that you're just avoiding your problem. Instead of fixing your shitting disabillity, you bypass dealing with it by using an oversized suction cup to squeeze your extra burrito through the piping. What are plungers for? They unclog the toilet. So how does the toilet clog? I looked it up in my Shitionary and it listed three plunger plunders that cause clogging:
- The shitter is a fatass
- The shitter is constipated and hasn't shat in 2 weeks
- The shitter uses half of a roll of toilet paper
Here are the permanent solutions:
1. If you have a huge ass:
Fat people generally clog toilets more. I don't know if it's because they produce more crap or what. Either way, a plunger is not going to help you lose weight, so deal with your disability before somebody mistakes you for the mascott of Italy.
2. If you are constipated:
Don't be constipated anymore. It's that simple. Use will power.
3. If you use half of a roll of toilet paper:
If you are not constipated or fat, but you still feel crappily challanged and feel you rely on a plunger more than normal, you an contract a ninja to come kick your ass every time you make an anal hygiene error.
I hope I could help some of you. If you're having trouble finding prune juice or bathroom ninjas, email me and I will see what I can do.
2. Bowls full of rotting leaves
Women call it pourporri. Regardless of what they name it, I know that it's a dish full of moldy maggot invested decaying cellulos and these lazyasses give it a fancy name just to avoid having to clean it up and wash the bowl.
There was probably some bet among the French government. Some diplomat named Jacques got bored one day and said, "Well our country seems to be fine, let's mess with the Americans." So they grab some leaves, put them in a bag and write "poutporri" on it.
Then once that joke is over, they bottle water and sell it to us.
Bottled water, Jesus Christ. Who the hell?
I don't understand. If you want something that tastes good, buy a pop or orange juice. If you're afraid of the calories, then slim fast is probably the way to go. That or blood. Blood is good because the earth has an unlimited supply of it, plus it is cheap and easy to find.
3. Female population > 1
What is up with girls and bathrooms? I swear every house has secret passageways leading from the bathroom to some utopic paradise. All the time I see groups of five or so giddy girls running in and out of bathrooms. I know that guys can never understand girls, but.. like.. are they playing musical restrooms or something?
4. Flies
First I will bring you up to speed with the anatomy of a fly.
Every time a fly lands, it pukes all over itself. Is that disgusting or what? Imagine if every time a person sat down, they blew chunks all over their lap. "Son.. you're old enough now to know not to sit down. Mommy already cleaned up Billy's vomit twice today and we don't want her to get sick herself."
Flies do more damage than good by flying around and getting in my face. If they just picked a corner of my room and sat there, I'd be less prone to trapping it, putting it in an empty pop bottle and dancing like a maracca dancer.
Flies actually have sex. That is so foul. I'd rather have sex with Rosie O'Donnell than a fly. Rosie O'Donnell is stupid, ugly, annoying, and doesn't deserve to live. Her and flies are about equal on my Ghastly and Nauseating Scale. Almost every household has a flyswatter, but oddly enough, our race hasn't invented a Rosie O'Donnell swatter yet.
Flies would be much higher in my book if they had weapons and super-saiyan powers. I'd have a lot more respect for something that could kick my ass.
Last updated October 18th, 2003