Browser Review of Google Chrome
1. Google's new browser, Chrome, is surprisingly little fun.
It doesn't run Starcraft, Half Life, Tron, Counterstrike 8, and Spore is the biggest disappointment in gaming history because of Chrome.
3. Too clean.
The interface is so clean and minimal that porn star's blemishes appear more pronounced. If I have an ugly, disgusting, cluttered browser like Netscape, the girls could have epic boils on their chin and I wouldn't notice.
It's like having raunchy sex in a hospital. Everything is so clean and white, the girl's blemishes and diseases will stand out like a sore vagina. Especially if she's a patient. Chrome is this way. Too clean. I have to put pictures of naked horses around the edges of my computer to make me feel more at home.
2 - The name
Google blatantly ripped off the word Chrome, which is deeply rooted in thug culture.
Stealing their word on the street was especially dangerous because Google's headquarters is practically 9mm range from LA.
3 - The logo
I like the logo a lot. It's very nice. It kind of looks like a little blue asshole with gay clown hemroids. That comforts me. I don't know why. Probably something from my childhood.
Incognito? Gimme a break.
Incognito mode covers up your tracks by deleting temporary files and history entries. This is a pointless and totally overrated. Internet Explorer had this feature a long time ago. They called it Blame It On Your Brother Mode.
Privacy is overrated. I don't care if a bunch of gays in San Fransisco are laughing at how straight I am for looking at man-on-woman porn. As far as I'm concerned, privacy on the internet means locking my door and closing my curtains while I dabble my dork. Incognito. What a stupid thing to say and do in life.
3 Too much RAM usage.
Another negative.
Chrome hides its' huge RAM usage by parsing it up into separate processes. It feels like you're using less RAM, but if you do the math, it adds up to insanity.
As a demonstration, this is what my process list looked like after using Chrome to check my mail and online bondage scouting profiles -
Notice that there is no bulbous 200,000 K on the list? It's their own internal incognito mode. It makes it seem sparse when really Chrome is using all your RAM, all your hard drive space, and a small corner in your garage to cache your data.
6 Why the suggestions?
When I start typing, Google Chrome tries to guess where I want to go. That's hellishly annoying. Browsing the internet with Chrome is like hanging out with a kid who has ADD. Always interrupting me - "Where will we go next? Mall? Did you say to the mall? Or did you say Malt balls? Or Malware? I can fix that for you when we get home from the mall."
Google tries too hard to guess where I'm going. It's annoying. I wouldn't want a fortune teller following me around town. "Next, you will get a taco." And it's not about privacy. I don't care about privacy. Google can read my email, I just don't want them reading my fortune.
Here's another reason why this auto recommending crap can screw you over. I had a girl over and I was going to show her a youtube video. I opened Chrome and started typing youtube. I typed Y and O, and this happened -
(controlled reenactment in Firefox)
It's annoying when that happens, because I was going to youtube to show her the 'Cow Sucking off a Horse - Censored Version' video. Now she thinks I'm some kind of sick freak.
Very unpopular.
It's difficult for me to make decisions on my own. That's why I research what other people like and adapt their preferences.
I did some research and found that, after being released for practically half a week, less than 0.5% of the internet uses Chrome. That's fail if you ask me. Google should give up already. There's no sense fucking a dead horse. I think that's how the phrase goes.
Appearance.
Bad. What's with all the bubbly blue shading everywhere. Somehow Google managed to make a blank white screen look tacky. A kindergarten failchild could make a better design with his snot.
1. On the positive side -
What I really like about Google Chrome is the comic strip. They made a comic to advertise and promote their new software. Here is my favorite excerpt from Google's newest, catchiest marketing campaign.
I thought that was very classy and tasteful of Google to target my demographic with this timely relevant comic.
Too much privacy?
Here's the privacy issue again. It seems to be a big topic with Google Chrome. But regardless, everyone clicks the "I read the license agreement" box without reading it. Maybe you should have read it. I did. And I found this useful data within their labyrinth of terms and agreements which you neglectfully neglected:
Basically it sifts down to this -
Fuck privacy.
When will the privacy fad go away? People are so self-conscious that they think someone out there cares what websites they go to. It's ridiculous. And terrible. It gets on my nerves. What do they have to do before people stop being insecure? Maybe if they created a browser with Super Anti-spy Concealed Uber Undercover Mode where all your data is encrypted into a pill which you lodge into your asshole and gastronomically absorb the content. And the only way to hack anyone's information would be to physically acquire the data from their bodily fluids.
7 - The trendy tech grommets.
Tech loving gadgeteering nerd people love Chrome because it's the hippest slickest dick. I hate tech trend nerds. They're the worst kind of nerds who follow the worst kind of trends. The primary reason I don't use Chrome now is because of these guys. I'd feel terrible having something in common with them.
Last updated September 9th, 2008