Having your house char to the ground isn't as tragic as it seems, in fact, plenty of great things will come out of it. Trust me, I know from first hand experience. Last summer, I was smoking on my porch in 100-degree weather during drought season and I flicked an ash onto a wicker basket. After about 10 minutes, the house was engulfed in flames. It was sweet. I thought to myself, "Damn, this rules, why didn't I think to do this sooner?" I guess it must have slipped my mind all those years.

My house burning before the firemen got there.

Right when they arrived.

This is where your insurance payments and tax money goes.

The cool thing is, I haven't and never will be punished for any of this. The fire chief questioned me but I played dumb and fortunately all the evidence was burned. I even got some publicity from the whole thing; a TV station interviewed me personally and it was on the 6 o'clock news.

All my stuff got fried which doesn't matter because 99% of it was worthless junk that I kept around for sentimental reasons. Honestly, who needs nostalgia when you can have money? Thanks to fire, all my old Transformers, G.I. Joes, worn out clothing, and stupid birthday presents got cashed in at retail value. Think about it, I burned my house down and instead of being penalized, I got thousands of dollars and put on television. How cool is that?

Fire is awesome, and so is new stuff. If I were you, I would stop reading this website and totally go burn my house down right now.

Last updated December 8th, 2003