Fung shui is neurotic and delusional.
Fung Shui is so stupid. I don't understand how people can truly believe that moving a plant from one side of the room to the other will improve their life in any way.
If that model makes sense to you, it's time to get help. Take my word for it. Your wife didn't leave you because your bed was facing the wrong cardinal direction. She left you because you're a jackass. Did you get fired? You might think it was because your phone was black instead of white. Actually, your boss fired you because you're a neurotic piece of shit who complains all day long instead of doing any work. Stop blaming all your problems on inanimate objects and start taking reponsibility for yourself.
Wiccan pisses me off too, but I'm pretty sure nobody likes girls who sit in their room on Saturday night casting love spells on pictures of kids in their yearbook. Wicca isn't a mysterious and magical religion.You're not a witch, you're a bitch. Get it right.
Let's see... what else do I hate...
Capoera is fuckin' retarded, but nobody knows what it is.
Fax machines are pretty stupid. I've never owned or used one in my life. Come to think of it, I don't even know what a fax machine does.
Everything about neopolitan ice cream makes me furious. Vanilla is boring. Chocolate is too rich. Strawberry is too sweet. You'd think all of them combined would make a delightful homeostasis of flavor. Strangely enough, everything about the three flavors clashes - the color, flavor, texture, everything. Even the name "neopolitan." A neopolitan is a "resident of Naples." How they got from that to a flavor of ice cream is beyond me. When I'm elected dictator of Earth, that will be the first thing to change.
I went to New York for my grandpa's 80th birthday. That's where I've been this past few weeks. For the most part, it sucked. They took us to all the nicest restaurants in New York, which sounds good, but sitting with ten 300 year old corpses and watching them drool and twitch will take a man's appetite pretty damn fast.
Flower seat covers are stupid.
Dogs suck. Cats are pussies. Fung shui is total placebo effect to the fullest. There are no "energy fields" in your house and moving your fish tank away from the refrigerator will not make you a better person. It's crazy how far people go with this. My parents friend had her garage bulldozed and rebuilt on the other side of her house... because the fung shui book said so. Fuckin crazy.
Sushi is so damn good. I like sushi. Nobody else does. They think raw fish is gross. Then they go out and eat ten dirtball burgers.
Because I go to these shit restaurants like McDonalds. I order up a hamburger, but inside the wrapper is a shriveled up cow groin. You think raw fish is disgusting? I've eaten sushi every chance I can get and it's never made me sick. I take one bite of a fast food burger and shit neon for three weeks. My science teacher says diamonds are the hardest substance. To hell with that. Try eating a McWhopper with mystery sauce. I'd pass a 50 karrot diamond through my colon and compared to a fast food hunk of cow shit, it'll feel like shitting gak. I remember gak. That stuff ruled.
I wanted to test whether or not fung shui really works. I got a book from a library and the first thing it said was to put my DVD player on top of my VCR. Once I did that, my life was shattered with new meaning and reason. I saw the world in a whole different way. Then I took a big shit and it all went away. Chickens are cool too.
The problem with America is that we're taking all these eastern ideas that were created thousands of years ago. How can our society ever advance if we keep adapting age-old philosophies like yoga and pilates. What the fuck are pilates? Jesus Christ. I have completely lost all faith in humanity. I'll see you in hell.
Last updated July 7th, 2004