Okay bitches, you can stop whining about gas prices now because I've solved your problem.

Everyone knows that gas prices are outrageous, not because of American oil corporations, but because of the OPEC. Gas is expensive because it's foreign. If the United States had as much gas underneath us as Saudi Arabia, we could sustain our greedy car loving lifestyles without any Yemenese nabbing their little curry hands at the cash register.

I waited a few years for the government to figure this out and fix it themselves. Didn't happen. So once again I call upon myself to find the answer.

You can start right now. Drive down to the gas station and fill up your tank. Then pull out a red gas container, top it off, and dump it out onto the ground in front of you. If you don't have a container, you can spray it onto the pavement. If it makes you self-conscious, put the nozzel down your pants and hold the handle down. People will think you pissed yourself and you won't be embarassed by the spilling gasoline.

Don't worry about getting it into dirt. It will find a way to the soil and, over time, connect with other dumping sites and create a nice resevoir of oil beneath the surface of our country. Like in Ghostbusters 2 when all the ectoplasmic slime collects under the city.

After several years of gas being dumped into the dirt, we will cut our trading ties with the Middle East as we begin drilling these reserves and distributing the barrels. No more Saudi oil, no more OPEC, and no more paying $2 for a molotov cocktail. I think it's ironic how, given all alcoholic cocktails, a molotov is still the cheapest. Plus you don't have to tip because now the waitress has a burnt up charred face and ugly girls dont deserve tips.

The great thing about my plan is that the oil that we've dumped is pre-refined with the right amount of octane and everything. We don't need to spend money on giant crude oil plants. Maybe run the stuff through a spaghetti strainer a few times and it's good to go. That doesn't mean you can power your car with spaghetti. It's just a hypothetical statement. I suppose that might work. You could totally ferment the spaghetti and use it as bio fuel. But that would make you a dirty cock sucking hippy.

We should invent cars that run on ectoplasmic slime. That'd be badass. Way cooler than gasoline. Plus you could throw pets into it and watch them mutate. Yeah, the world definitely needs more ectoplasm.

Actually I changed my mind. Now that I think about it. If our cars ran on ethereal sludge, the lords of the netherworld would see the profit potential and start lobbying for huge taxes on exports.

The Bush administration would send troops through the dimension portal and it'd be Iraq all over again. This time I don't think we'd win. Ten thousand stay-puffs vs. the US military. It's a lost cause.

Horrible idea. Dump gas. A gallon a week. It's the only way.

Last updated October 14th, 2006