How to land a sweet social media job in 3 easy steps
I've worked and lived in the tech industry for fifteen years, since before "social media" was a thing. I've worked with, interviewed, and hired countless social media specialists. This week I finished a big round of interviewing for a client who needed an addition to their social media team, and during the process it occured to me how much I know about the industry.
So if you're interested in doing social media professionally, there is much you need to learn, and I can teach you most of it.
First off, what are the specific job titles that involve social media?
You'll come across many industry titles -
- Social Media Strategist
- Social Media Marketer
- Social Media Specialist
- Social Media Maven
- Social Media Consultant
- Social Media Master
- Social Media Whore
- Social Media Rabbit
But don't be overwhelmed. Every position that starts with "Social Media" is exactly the same, and I'll cover that later.
Here are 3 steps to landing a job in social media:
Step 1: Know your way around social media sites.
It's important to be aware of the trendy sites of today. If an interviewer asks you, "What is Twitter?" and you respond, "I don't know," you will most certainly be denied the position.
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Other important sites to know: Facebook.com, Google, NinjaPirate.com
Step 2: Look the part
Here are some high caliber social media gurus of the world:
Notice anything? They're all attractive females.
The best social media employees are cute women. It's just a fact. The real trick is - you have to look attainable. You can't look like a god damn model. You have to make short balding men think, "Wow, I'm actually talking to a real life hot girl on the internet. Maybe there's a chance we'll meet at a tech conference and totally hook up.. possibly a blowjob? Who knows?"
Look attainable.
Example: Here's the girl I ended up hiring for my client:
Yeah, I know, wayyy too hot. It was a big mistake, but I did it on purpose.
When I interviewed her, I knew nobody online would believe she works for the company and that she was a horrible candidate. I also knew I wouldn't get to see her again if I didn't hire her, so I let the team take one for me.
Needless to say, now she owes me one and.. next tech conference, who knows...?
Step 3: Be emotionally at ease with the idea of sucking off short balding men in restrooms at tech conferences.
Every girl goes into social media thinking, "Yeah I'll never suck off short balding men.. not in a tech conference restroom, not in a tech conference lobby, nowhere. Even if hell froze over and a bubble froze over my mouth, and the only pointy object nearby was his short balding dick, I'd willingly asphyxiate myself and die to avoid that experience."
Famous first words.
This is your last warning - do not think you can go into social media and be above blowing dicks. It's 85% of the work they do, and there's no exceptions.
Step 4 (bonus): Don't wear glasses to look smart
A lot of applicants come into my office with the attitude that because the tech industry is full of smart people, that all people who work in tech should be smart. But this is social media, not analytical thought process media. Too much brain will just intimidate everyone. Personally, I like my women like I like my bricks - dumb as bricks.
Once you learn a few buzz words, you'll be fine. These lonely men at these conferences won't question your intelligence. They might act interested in your company, but really they're just interested in your "company."
True story - I was at a tech meetup last year getting a lapdance from some social media bimbo, and this was our conversation:
Laurel: "So you work in tech?"
Me: "I'm a developer."
Laurel: "Oh yeah? That's what I'm learning how to do.. I've been taking classes in C, but also doing some JavaScript on the side."
Me: "Oh yeah? That's awesome lady, now suck my fucking dick"
Here's what I didn't say:
Me: "Really? That's such an interesting choice. Let's sit and talk about the practical advantages of using JS's prototypal class inheritance."
Right? Get it? Throw away your glasses and smartass attitude. Nobody gives a shit.
Sure, there are many intellectual prowesses that a good social media strategist will learn over time. Such topics as
- What is the best stall to give a handjob in?
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What do you do if there's no more paper towels and you still have some CTO's cum dripping from your skirt?
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Can lysol be used as toothpaste?
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What do you do if there's no soap left and your finger still smells like a dirty asshole?
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What if you forget who you blew last conference and don't want to reinvent the wheel?
But these are rather advanced topics and the only way to learn them is experience.
And that's that!
Still interested? Still think you have what it takes?
Well awesome, shoot me an email at me@xomfy.com (include headshots) and I'll find you a sweet gig at a hip startup where you'll intern as a social media slutbag and if you're hot enough maybe we'll meet up at a tech conference and I'll give your uvula a good throttling.
Last updated January 22nd, 2014