The best cure for insomnia.
The best cure for insomnia is to stop trying to impress people with how little you sleep, and get some fucking sleep because you know you can, because you don't actually have insomnia. You just think it's cool to have this fashionable disorder that makes you tired all the time.
I don't understand how sleep deprivation has become such a hip and fashionable lifestyle. I hear people bragging about it all the time. "Dude, I'm so tired. I haven't slept for like.. 58 hours straight."
Sleeping is a life function, not a party trick. Nobody is impressed by an illness. Insomnia impairs your ability to function in society. That's something to be ashamed of, not brag about.
And you know that real insomniacs don't run around boasting about it. It's like bragging about not drinking water for 58 hours. "Ya man! Haven't hydrated in 58 hours! So fuckin' parched! Look at my tongue, it's like a roll of white duct tape, fuckin' badass how fuckin'.. unhealthy I am right now." There's nothing glorious or impressive about having a sleeping disorder. It's a fucking disease.
Or imagine a cripple going around, "Hey guys.. yeah.. fuckin.. I haven't stood up in like 58 straight months.. fuck ya. Check out my wheel chair, it's got ass imprints because I have so many sclerosises and shit. Or is it sclerosii? Multiple sclerosii? Anyway I have a fuckton of them. Hell ya bish, let's go throw a frisbee. Oh, nah man, I'm way too crippled man, hehehe fuck."
Or you don't see normal people running around, "Dude.. I'm so retarded.. I haven't said anything intelligent in like 58 weeks straight."
And this is a little different. This is because retarded people are funny. There is a huge difference between retards and insomniacs that make retards hilarious and insomniacs pathetic.
To find out if a disorder is funny or serious, just imagine two people with it having sex. The funnier it is on a scale of 1-10, the less serious the disease is. Two insomniacs having sex - 1/10. Not funny. Two retards having sex is hilarious. Especially when they go at it like champions.
Narcleptics - 4/10. It's a mixed bag, totally depending on what position they pass out in. Downs syndrome - 10/10. Obviously. Cancer - 0/10. Cancer is serious. ADD - 7/10. Not too serious. This works with pretty much every illness or disorder. Transexualism is 1/10 or 10/10 because it could go either way. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh someone high-five me.
But yes, insomniacs having sex is not funny at all. It's just hours and hours of starting, getting tired, stopping, trying to sleep, starting again, and giving up. If you watch it with the volume down because your parents in the next room, it looks like the girl's screaming. Nope. Just yawns.
And people don't realize the difference between someone who can't sleep, and someone who doesn't sleep. An insomniac is someone who can't sleep. A dipshit poser fuckbag is someone who can sleep but doesn't. They just sit there because they want to stay up in case their little crush comes online on Facebook or some stupid bullshit like that.
If you can sleep, do it. You lucky fucker. What's the hold-up? Too lazy? Fuck you. Being too lazy to go to bed is NOT insomnia. That is NOT a sleeping disorder. That is a laziness disorder. It's like hot lesbians. Total waste of talent. Not an ugly lesbian. That's just classic quality control. That's actually minorly relevant. I kind of lost my train of thought because I haven't slept in 2,353 hours. I don't know if that's hypocritical or not. I'm pretty sure I fall into the laziness category. I just don't like sleep because it's the closest I come to dying on a regular basis.
The way you spot a true insomniac is when all they do is watch wildlife footage. Which sucks because wildlife footage is fucking annoying. I hate watching wildlife footage. The animals and stuff are great. I love animals. It's the dialog of the people filming that bothers me. It's always the same people filming. There's always some idiot who has to narrate everything. "Woah! Look. The tiger is running up to the buffalo. Oh my god, he's chasing Oh my god, he's running. Wow, look. He's running from the tiger." Yes. We see the fucking buffalo and the tiger and shit. We're right there. You don't need to narrate. Nobody nominated you as the voice of the wild. Shut the fuck up and stop pointing at everything.
Every time there's wildlife footage of people on a boat looking at dolphins, some girl always freaks out, "Holy shit! Dolphins! Wow! Dolphins, honey, look! Wow! Can you see? The dolphins I'm pointing at with my finger. Right there. Follow my finger to the dolphins!" And she stands there filming the dolphins and the camera is shaky as fuck like she's having a seizure. And the husband is like, "Wow honey, that's incredible. Wow. Dolphins. Amazing."
But you know what the the husband really wants to say is, "Look bitch. We're on a boat.. starying at a giant flat blue landscape as far as the eye can see.. and the only thing in sight is water, sky, and a bunch of twenty-foot-long epic creatures leaping out of the water ten feet from us practically bull-snouting me in the cock. I see the fucking dophins. A blind man could see those dolphins. A blind man could literally put out his hand and read the dolphins like braille, and know that they're dolphins." But she doesn't comprehend the concept that other people have eyes. She's like, "Honey! Look! Right there! See? Wow! WOOOWWW! Check out those 100% real live dolphins in the water! They're' the ones with the fins. See their FINS? DolPHINS? Get it? Except dolphin is spelled with a ph, but fin has an f.. should be dolFIN. See? Honey? That's called a pun. Okay?" And I'm in the boat lavatory porking their daughter. And she's like 8. It's fucking disgusting. I hate those shows because they compel people to fuck 8 year old girls in boat lavatories. It's fucking sick. I hate you. I just can't escape it. I will die a bitter young sleep deprived sinister man. Jesus F Christ.
You want a cure for insomnia? Go on a dolphin spotting cruise with some obnoxious bitch who annoys you so much that you commit statitutory rape on her daughter and go to jail where you'll sleep like a fucking baby. Problem solved.
Last updated April 13th, 2010