I wish I were gay.
Why do girls always ruin my life? What breed of satisfaction could they possibly strive for by manipulating me and giving my mangina false hopes of ever having a part in the system? Females plow through my dignity and leave nothing but the long shot that I may come home one day and find them sprawled out naked on my bed. Honestly, why? I'm about ready to find the blueprint of life, crawl through the ventilation system, and sneak into the closet through a heating duct. I bet it's a lot better in there than it is out here.
Phew. I'm glad I got that off my chest. It's quite difficult getting some things off my chest. I'll give you one example - a fat chick I just ate out. She'll lie there panting like a enormous ball of pulsating wet silly putty and drool all over my bed sheets. Once I get her off and out the door, I can't go to sleep right away because my sheets look like they were regurgitated out of a Proton Pack.
Changing bed sheets is one of the most intellectually stressful activities I ever do. I put one corner on. Everything seems to be going to plan. Then I stretch to the next corner to achieve the second tier of slumber fabric status. Accomplished. It seems all downhill from there until I head for that third edge and the original corner whips off and racks me solid in the testicle. That's when everything goes to shit and I end up curling up in a ball on the floor and crying myself to sleep. All because of girls. If I were gay, that would never happen.
My girlfriend was over earlier and she asked me, "Alexander, how come you never got me a Valentines gift?" I told her in a cutesy little baby voice,"Aww honeysugar, I'm so sowy pumpkin, I almost forgot baby! Here's your pwesent" And I pulled down my pants and dabbled my dork in her mouth. Naturally, like the snob she is, the girl tried to give me grief over the whole thing. As if she'd rather have a box of sappy chocolates instead of my delicious protein sludge.
I refuse to buy girls chocolates. Not because I'm incompassionate, but because most of them are already fat enough as it is. I ended up getting her a present though. It's a funhouse mirror that curves inward horizontally, making her appear wider than normal. I figured it might be some incentive to lose a few pounds, that fat pig. She's so stupid. I swear she's the dumbest girl on the planet. If my girlfriend were a shoe, she'd be a Nike Airhead.
I'm just kidding, I don't even have a girlfriend. But if I did, she'd be really stupid because I'm ridiculously shallow when it comes to that kind of thing. I think everyone is, but I'm the only one that can admit it. As far as sex goes, looks are what's important. Not intelligence. Sex is a physical thing. Tell me the last time you jerked off to a girl's senior thesis paper. Never. You don't masturbate to a girl's brains or personality. You wank it to porno - girls showing off their body. Sure there are emotions involved sometimes with sex but that's just codependdnt garbage that doesn't actually exist.
Attractive girls are never smart or cool because they don't need to be. A female's primary goal in life is to find a mate and produce children. Attractive girls can get this done without touching a book. Ugly girls, on the other hand, need that extra edge to get the goo in their vagina.
Do this: Every time you jack off, save it in a bucket. When it gets full, dump the entire vat on a girl while she's sleeping. I don't know why, I think it'd be pretty fucking funny though.
Girls kipe my money, drive me insane, and ruin my bed sheets. Life would be so much easier if I were a homo. It's because I understand males. I know where they're coming from. Not girls. The only thing more confusing than girls is gravity bongs. Seriously, how the fuck? One time my friend built a gravity bong so big that it collapsed in on itself from gravitational force and turned into a black hole and sucked in all the weed with it too. We didn't know what to do.
Last updated February 25th, 2005