You're all going to die.

I came home tonight and someone forwarded me this email:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
WHEN U ALREADY START READING THIS DONT STOP OR ELSE SUMTHIN BADWILL HAPPEN ..... MY NAME IS TEDDY...I AM 7 YEARS OLD WITH BLONDE HAIRAND SCARY EYES. I HAVE NO NOSE OR EARS. I AM DEAD. IF U DO NOT SEND THIS TO 15PPL IN THE NEXT 5 MIN., I WILL APPEAR TONIGHT BY YOUR BED WITH A KNIFE AND KILL YOU. THIS IS NO JOKE SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO U TONIGHT AT 10:22. SOMEONE WILL CALL U OR TALK TO U ONLINE AND SAY I LOVE YOU. DONT BREAK IT. (copy n paste ####.

This is fucking serious. In the midst of panic, I phoned the police and gave them a description of the boy. They had a sketch artist do up a picture of him.

Then a thought occurred to me - for every person this mail is sent to, they have to send it to 15 more. Imagine this scenario: Let's say the letter is sent once per day, this is how many people will die:

Day 1: 15
Day 2: 225
Day 3: 3,375
Day 4: 50,625
Day 5: 759,375
Day 6: 11,390,625
Day 7: 170,859,376

That's half of the United States in one week! By Christmas, the entire universe will be void of all existence and this crazy little pyramid scheme obsessed fucker will be bored to tears and wishing he had died at an age where he was old enough to masturbate.

What kind of ghost calls himself Teddy? If I were a ghost, I'd be named Snagglebroth and I'd have fun with people instead of killing them. Killing people is the worst thing a ghost can do because the netherworld already has extreme overpopulation problems, why would they want to add to the population? They don't even get an orgasm from it like we do.

Plus, the goal of a ghost is to mess around with people, and you can't mess with people if they're dead. Unless you're a necropheliac. I wonder if it'd be considered necrophelia if Teddy were to kill me than rape my dead body. Teddy's a fucking idiot. Tonight I'm going to forward him his own email so he will be forced to slit his throat. Then that's the end of it. Thanks to me. You're welcome, mankind.

Last updated November 29th, 2005