Walk into the toy section at Walmart. Eighty five percent of the games will be a variation of Monopoly. Ironicopoly? And they're all marked "Collectors Edition." Are there actually people that collect derivations of this game? Do Corvette enthusiasts actually buy Corvette Monopoly? I like Family Guy, but I can't imagine how replacing the original Monopoly pictures with characters from Family Guy would make the game any more thrilling. Some titles are labeled "Limited Edition." What does that mean? Aren't all versions limited? Are there an infinite number of non-limited games?

Of all these derivations, there is no Monopoly drinking game. Can you believe that? Hasbro made a "Cocktailopoly" to snag the partier generation, but no drunk guy can relate to fancy cocktail drinks while he's chugging Pabst. I decided to make it myself. Keep in mind that this is a Super Ultra Rare Limited Collectors Edition - only zero made! So buy it while supplies last!

Monopoly is easy. Whoever owns the orange properties will win. Everybody knows that. One time I was playing with a kid who landed on New York Ave and didn't buy it. The other players took him out back and shoved all the Monopoly pieces up his asshole. He got tetnus and died a few weeks later. What a moron.

Monopoly needs to be more practical. No matter what variation you play, if there's no alcohol or sex involved, it's still rolling dice and buying pieces of cardboard with fake money. Whether you win a game or lose, it's still a waste of four hours. They need to start making versions of the game that accomplish something.

Whenever I play, everybody gangs up on me. They trade title deeds amongst themselves and get all kinds of hotels and money. Whenever I ask to trade, they tell me to go fuck myself. It It's more than a game to them, it's a way to piss me off. I could be like, "Hey Jeff, I'll trade you everything I own except Mediterranean for your Baltic," and Jeff would refuse and rub it in my face how much he hates me by mortaging Baltic for $30 instead.

It's like that with every game. Especially Parcheesi. People put two pieces on one square right outside my entry area and leave them their the whole game so I lose and their friend wins. There's no point. Games are stupid.

Being ganged up on and laughed at is very embarassing, especialy when there's girls playing. Every game of Monopoly has that one hot girl that comes along. Usually she came because she's one of your friend's sisters who had nothing better to do. What a slut. Why does she even play Monopoly when she already has her own Community Chest?

Maybe it's to sit around a table with a bunch of guys and feel special while they oogle over her cleavage. I'm surprised why Hasbro hasn't caught on that all Monopoly players are horny, sex-deprived geeks and made...

The only useful thing about Monopoly is the Get Out of Jail Free card. If you show it to a police officer when he pulls you over, he might have a sense of humor and not cram his hand up your ass too deep. On the other hand, he might do it anyway to search for Monopoly pieces because you didn't buy an orange property.

So next time you're playing Monopoly, remember that you are merely a speck of dust on a square of the real-life Monopoly controlled by Walmart and Microsoft. Bill Gates is the top hat and George Bush is the battleship. That was way too deep. I need a nap.

Last updated November 9th, 2004