Montana sucks.
Between kayaking, whitewater rafting, snowboarding, rock climbing, hiking to remote unknown hot springs with beautiful women, jumping off waterfalls, braffing around unknown lakes in jet skis, and wandering into the wilderness on crazy drug-induced week-long adventures... it gets so damn boring here in Montana. Sometimes I almost kill myself out of boredom.
I would much rather live in a city where there were loud, smelly people everywhere I looked at all times. And fuck snowboarding. Who needs five ski resorts within a two hour drive? I'd much rather live in a city where I could drive two hours and find more city.
I hate the fact that I could drive north five minutes and be in the Rattlesnake Wilderness. Or ten minutes in any direction to find any number of trailheads leading to someplace with fresh air. Fuck fresh air. Gimme the carbon monoxide.
Swimming in mountain lakes is so overrated. They're so cold and I'm a pussy like that. Go ahead and toss me in a nice big heated public chlorine pool along with all the shit and piss and I'll be happy. I think public pools could save a lot of money by putting chlorine in their drinking fountains. That way all the kids will drink the water and chlorinate the pool with their piss.
Remember when camping meant wrapping a burrito in tin foil and roasting it over a fire then digging a hole in the woods to shit it out before crawling into a small tent and sleeping on a bed of rocks? How primitive. Those hardcore "mountain man" days are over. Who needs to be a rugged badass with skin of nails when you have a giant RV with four gasoline stoves, beds, heated showers, and bathrooms?
Our state realizes how bad camping in Montana is. That's why they don't make you pay for it. You drive out to some location in a huge forest where nobody is and put up a tent next to a quiet lake all by yourself. How lame is that? I'd much rather pull into a KOA campground and pay $50 to set my tent up between two RVs filled with whiney kids and old people barbecuing on their gasoline stove. That's what I call camping. When I play my guitar on a Montana campsite, nobody is there to join in with me. Camping other places, I play my guitar and get all kinds of people joining in, singing things like, "Hey, cut it out!" and "We're trying to sleep, shut the fuck up!"
I hate these damn mountains. If I had my way, they would all be bulldozed down so when I looked on the horizon, I saw nothing but a polluted skyline. None of these bullshit snow-covered peaks everywhere I look. The worst is Missoula - the ugliest town in the entire state.
I've excreted piles of shit more interesting than the mountains around where I live. And I pretty much sit around at home all day because absolutely nothing ever goes on. People just sit in their homes and jack off.
Trust me, everything you think about Montana is completely true. Save yourself the disappointment and never come here.
Last updated April 24th, 2005