Don't watch Sideways, even if you
aren't an impressionable idiot.
Sideways is about two guys dealing with their pathetic girl issues. One is an aging actor who cheats on his fiance. The other is a lameass who cares more about wine than scrogging chicks. I bought a bottle of Pinot Noir after the movie ended. As expected, it tasted like crap. It was so bad that I shoved the cork up my ass to feel better about myself.
Merlot, Pinot Our, Shiraz, whatever the fuck, I don't care. This movie sucked, and so does wine. Wine is for people who think they're French. I don't think I'm French. Do you? Then why drink wine? I'll pay anyone five hundred dollars if they see me wearing a suit and sticking my chin out while I sip on a glass of fermented grape juice and batting my lips like a fish with quizzical eyebrows.
Everyone knows the whole "acquired taste" concept is nonsense. The second a shot of Jagermeister first hit my taste buds, I was like "Fuck yeah, gimme another." But my mom said no and put me back in the crib.
Even if there is an acquired taste to wine, why go through the trouble of aquiring it? Do I get a prize? Yeah, I get to strut around yapping about density and acidity like a pompous asshole. If I'm ever in a bar and hear somebody describing an alcoholic beverage with words greater than two syllables, I'm going to slam his face into my one of the fifty television sets in the bar. What's with bars and TVs? They have five TVs in a row next to each other and they're all playing the same stupid basketball game. You would think that jocks, with those gigantic necks, would be able to rotate their head three degrees to watch a TV. It's ridiculous.
Here are the best ways to drink alcohol:
- Jagermeister
- Southern Comfort
- JD
- Captain Morgan
- Pretty much any kind of whiskey
- Seagrams Gin
- Grey Goose Vodka
- Anything 100+ proof
- A Corona or two may be acceptable from time to time
Notice how wine isn't anywhere near that list. That's because I'd rather inject blendered leaches into my bloodstream. Wine coolers are even worse. It's ironic because few things are less cool than a wine cooler.
Everclear blows too. You take five shots of Everclear and don't feel anything until two days later when you're walking down the street and fall flat on your face.
Beer is pretty lame. It's a "chill out" drink. People buy a beer instead of a shot because they want to look occupied, like they have something to do. A guy who takes a shot and stands around is a total loser. But if he's standing around holding a beer, people think "Yeah, he's got a beer, he's chillin', and he's cool." Same with cigarettes. Nobody would take a shot of nicotine. People want their alcohol and nicotine consumption to last because they want to look occupied while their friend is in the bathroom taking a shit.
I figured out why they named the movie Sideways. In the theater, most of the people were watching it sideways because they were all half asleep. I sure was. And I was squinting. This is how I the majority of the film looked to me:
My head kept falling on the shoulder of the girl sitting next to me. She thought I was hitting on her, but I was just trying to sleep. I hate how girls automatically assume that just because a strange man in a theater is putting his head on her shoulder that he's trying to get with her. I hate that. So what if I was asleep? A lot of people sleep in theaters. It just so happens I sleep in the nude. So what? Sleeping naked isn't uncommon. Girls are just weird, I guess.
Last updated March 22nd, 2005