Everyone I hate needs to knock it off.
People try too hard to be cool. They'll say anything. Like when someone says, "Put a bag over that chick's head and bone her in the ass." He doesn't actually want you to do it. He's just trying to sounds like a badass.
But you take it seriously. Now you're banging the chick with a bag over her head. And this is a huge problem. Because your friend was not concerned with the quality of your experience. So he didn't tell you what kind of bag to use. And the whole time you're thinking you're a stud because she's screaming so loud. Now she's not screaming at all. Now she's laying there suffocated lifeless. And you just jizzed into a dead corpse. Now how do you feel?
Everyone tries so hard. They think they're being awesome. Everyone gets up in the morning and tries to appear better than they are. Like morons who say "literally" all the time. What they say isn't actually literal. Even when it is, it's redundant to follow a statement with "literally."
"There were sixteen people in my car... literally." Of course it's literal. What else would it be? "There were sixteen people in my car.. transcendentally." It's supposed to make it more impressive, but nobody is impressed to begin with. You put 16 people in your car. That's a hazard. Don't ever do that.
Or people who brag about how many beers they've drank. It's not something to brag about. There's nothing more pathetic than listening to someone try to prove his worth by how pathetic he is. Kill a grizzly bear and skin it with your elbows. Bang eight chicks in ten seconds. Those are things to brag about. Other than that, you might as well just be honest about being pathetic. Honest failure is way more entertaining than lies of success.
Or when people end sentences with the word Period. "My dad owns the biggest house you'll ever see. Period." We know the language. You don't need to orally punctuate for us. Because you never hear people say, "Hey man, do you have any gum. Question mark." Or "Oh my god, that girl's got a fish up her asterisk hole." Nobody does that. Why say punctuation out loud? "I apostrophe m goin apostrophe to the hardware store with my back dash pack comma and capitalized i will pick up some tools to kill people with dot dot dot." And for the record, your dad is a child rapist.
"I've never seen someone drink that much... Period." It's absolutely meaningless. And I try to neutralize my embarrassment by making fun of them. I say, "Yeah? Well I've never seen someone drink that much... Period... Blood."
And because girls are around, there's always some guy who has to say, "Man, that's offensive, man. You can't say that. That's offensive." No. You don't understand. I'm offended. I'm the offended one. I'm the one who's mentally distraught over this whole scenario of you being a douchebag. My resorting to a crude sense of humor is how I cope with you resorting to a crude sense of your place in the world.
But guys have to defend girls. They always do. If you're in a room with guys and you make a rape joke, it's all fun. But if a girl is there, the guy gets all butt hurt. Try it sometime. He'll be like, "Man, you can't say that in front of chicks man. That aint cool." Don't you have any pride? To censor your behavior over a worthless girl. It's madness. Now the girl thinks you're a fucker. Even though she seems offended, she's laughing on the inside. Because rape is naturally funny to everyone.
The other day a shyster was trying to sell me his bong. He said, "Dude, it's made by one of the most infamous glass blowers in the world. Period. Literally." Which was an epic double fail. Dumb stoner bastard child of failure. I went to his parent's house and banged his mother from the side. Laterally.
It embarrasses me to listen to these people. I wanna say, "Dude. You're not intense. I'm not an idiot. I know the value of that bong. And the maker was not "infamous." Infamous does not mean famous. It means hated. You are infamous because I hate you. Dumb shyster bitch.
That's the kind of crap I have to live with every day because all my friends are that way. All my friends suck. That shyster I mentioned is actually my best friend. It's pathetic. Everyone I hang out with is a terrible person. Anyone who isn't a shyster bastard is an idiot. And anyone who is smart and nice is way too smart and way too nice. There's nobody in the middle. Either you're a fuckbag idiot or you're a pretentious blowhard.
The other day I caught myself being a bad person. I was looking for my loser friend's house and I was driving shitstain slow and the car behind me was pissed off honking. Instead of pulling over and letting him go, I muttered, "Fuck this guy behind me, that asshole. Fuck him in his stupid asshole." And I drove even slower just to piss him off.
I could have made his life better by pulling over so he could go by. My intentions were good, but I justified them by assuming for whatever reason that he's a jerkoff and doesn't deserve to pass, solely to get what I want. Finding a reason to be an asshole is easy.
The fact is, he's probably a good person, and I'm a good person, yet somehow, we both made each other's lives a little bit shittier. And pretty much everyone behaves exactly like me. We're all making each other's lives a little bit shittier, one encounter at a time.
And honestly, I fucking hate this girl:
Her name's Lana. If you know her, tell her to fuck off because I can't stand her slut attitude. She's one of those hot minxy girls that flirts with every guy she sees. Then the second a guy does it back, she flips out disgustfully. It just encourages rape. I don't buy into that shit. I meet one of those girls and I stay away. Then after she's had about ten drinks and she's drunk and lost all her inhibitions, I get her somewhere private, take off all her clothes, and sell them to high school kids. Then I tie up her parents and punch them in the dick for raising her wrong.
I just hope she gets raped soon. It's girls like that who deserve to be raped. It's like someone who dangles raw meat in front of sharks all day. I'd rape her myself but that would mean she wins.
Is it just me, or does everything come down to hatred and rape. Basically everything I think about and every conversation I ever have eventually comes down to either hating someone or wanting to rape them.
And if there's one thing the world needs less of, it's balloons. I can't stand balloons. What asshole decided to make a floating piece of rubber into a universal party symbol. Balloons suck. Parties suck. And parties are basically like balloons because all it takes is one prick to ruin them.
I suppose that's a shitty joke. It's my best effort of trying to add some upbeat flavor to my bitterness. My therapist told me to try to deal with my anger with humor. But I know she's just saying that to be cool. She told me, "Alexander. The bottom line is that you want to be happy. Period." Dumb shrink. I'd like to see her bones shrink in a vice grip. Everyone, no matter what class or social standing, is a lying insecure shyster bastard and I've never met a single person in my life that I care about.
Last updated November 26th, 2008