Masturbating while on vacation.

When you go on vacation, you get off school/work/whatever for two weeks. It sounds like a great time for you, but what about your penis? Don't you care about him? Of course. Nobody likes blue balls. The big question to think about when planning your vacation isn't where you're going, what to bring, or what you'll be doing there. It is where, how, and when you'll find the time to rub one out.

If you've tried it, you'll know that a grandparent's house is a difficult place to get an erection. Just the smell is enough to keep a little man down. Then you tack on the thought that your grandpa is in the other room sleeping in a diaper. It's almost impossible to get it up without help.

You finally get into the zone and all of a sudden the dreaded paranoia strikes in. That's when you turn into super pantless detective man. You search for hidden cameras, trap doors, spies, and anything else capable of recording the events taking place in the room. Did grandpa install a wank detector in the wall? Who knows? Can they hear you? Can grandma smell it with her giant fucking beak? Better be cautious and just go to sleep.

Then there's the shower. Oh no, not the shower! I don't think I've ever had a successful orgasm (alone) in the shower. Something always goes wrong. One time I tried to use soap as lubricant, but it started stinging like a bastard and I tripped out of the shower and my shoelaces tied together and I fell on my neck. It was terrible. Don't ever do that.

Then there's the times when you'd be perfectly safe jerking off, but your friend or brother is staying in the same room as you. I hate that. I don't know what to do. It's torture. You look over at them. They're breathing semi-deeply. Are they asleep? Maybe. What the hell are you going to do? There is nothing more embarassing than getting caught masturbating. On the other hand, there is nothing more devestating to a man's libido than going half a month without release of his life force.

Let's say you're out camping with the family. You tell your parents, "Hey, I'm going on a little nature walk. I'll be back later." Ha. Nature walk. Bullshit. You think your parents are stupid? Your whole childhood, you're into cars, computers, and death. Now you've decided to hike around the wilderness checking out flora? No chance they'll fall for that. When you're gone, your mom says to your dad, "Isn't it funny how little Billy tries to hide the fact that he's out in the wild yanking his schlong?" Then your dad replies, "Yeah. Hey honey, I'm going to go search that ridge for some native flowers. I'll be back in a few hours."

One time I was on vacation in San Diego. I found a nice quiet spot to myself without any people around. As I was trying to wank myself, I kept getting this image of giant men in bird suits running at me from all angles.

A few years ago I was on the last leg of a vacation and I hadn't had an opportunity to go to down on myself. I was so horny, I decided to go downtown and get a prostitute. I found one, but it was filled with fat gothic chicks. I picked the skinniest one I could find and we went to the back room. I was like, "Hey, you got any protection?" She nodded and pulled out a fishnet condom. Those fucking goths. I yelled at her that it wasn't going to work. She said, "Oh c'mon, we're in a condominium anyway. That's considered protection where I'm from. I left. That was terrible.

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Last updated August 26th, 2004