I got so fucking voted before I drunk.

I was pretty nervous when I voted, but a huge wave of relief washed over me when I saw that it was multiple choice. Those written answer problems are a bitch. I probably failed anyway because I didn't study at all. I was trying the theory that getting drunk before you make important decisions will improve the outcome. It has worked for Bush the past half decade so why not? This is how my ballot ended up looking.

I was so drunk that I didn't get the check marks anywhere near the boxes and the entire ballot was written in Russian. Probably because of all that vodka I downed beforehand. Then I got frusterated and started poll vaulting all over the gymnasium. It was like Chris Farley in Black Sheep only there were no old ladies to splinter in the face.

What do you think of the outcome? Bush in office for another four years. Woohoo. To be honest, I only supported Kerry because all my friends told me to. Now that it's over I can come clean and say that I never gave half of a shit about any of it. We're doomed either way. No matter what happens. Plus, there is so much bigger problems than gay marriage, terror, and abortion that neither candidate cared to recognize. They merely drilled pointless priorities in our heads to control us.

What about the poor souls playing Doom 3 with a 64MB graphics card? Doesn't anyone care about them? No. These technologically deprived youth are struggling as they play first person shooters at ten frames per second and multiplayer latencies exceeding half a second. That's right, half a second! How can any person win with that kind of disadvantage? They can't, so they lose over and over again! By ignoring this issue, the government is creating an entire generation of losers. This country really is fucked up.

You know who I hate more than Bush? People that spent the past four years bitching about Bush and didn't vote today. These are the same guys who say, "Look at that fat, disgusting, and repulsive girl." Then you wake up the next morning and the two of them are naked and duct taped to your ceiling. One time I took duct tape and stuck a kitten to the wall with it. The wall happened to be that of a microwave. Yuck! I'm totally kidding. I would never do that to a cute little kitten without sealing it in tupperware first.

All in all, I'm glad that Bush was re-elected. Not for his policies, but because us satirists just got another four years of guaranteed material! Whenever we can't think of anything, "Fuck Bush!" is still a safe last resort for writers block. Yay Bush! Carry on! Keep acting like an idiot and fumbling around the English language. More ammo for us.

Last updated November 3rd, 2004