Bowling gets X-Treme.

In the late 1990s, bowling alleys tried to modify the sport to attract a younger audience. With strobe lights, fog machines, glow-in-the-dark pins, and loud music, a new crowd was hoped to flock to the scene. They called it Extreme Bowling. To most people, it felt more like a goofy white trash disco than an extreme sport. However, it failed because as long as bowling is kept in the typical bar setting, it will always be an activity for middle-aged men with rattail mullets.

Because people are stupid, I decided to make my own version of the game which kicks way more ass. I'm calling it X-Treme Bowling.

Finally, a good use for skateboarders - as bowling pins. Unlike knocking over random pedestrians, fruit booters and wood pushers are well adept at falling on their face. Once knocked over, they'll promptly get back up without any need for machines or pick-up devices. Also, X-Treme bowling is free, doesn't require goofy looking footware, and comes with an awesome ball return system:

Let's talk chicks. The best kind of girl you can pick up in a bowling alley is a two hundred pound bull dyke named Hillary. Skateparks, on the other hand, are flooded with constant hotties. It happens like this: a skater wants to impress his woman so he takes her to a skatepark. He goes off and rides around looking like an idiot while the girl watches him and wishes she were somewhere else. That's when you waltz up to her suave-like and say, "Hey, you look pretty skate bored. Wanna go occupy that porta-potty?"

In general, girls are only impressed by two things: how good you are in bed and how much you can eat. Landing a kickflip means nothing to them. X-Treme bowling, on the other hand, gets the ladies fired up. They love guys who injure others because it proves that they can defend their women if need be.

The rules of X-treme bowling are simple. Player one tosses a bowling ball toward a ramp. If he knocks over all the people on the way there, he gets a strike. If he fails to knock them over but gets the rest of them down when the ball returns, he gets a spare. If some people in the path are still standing, the bowler gets a point for each skater he lynched and three points if he made their mother cry.

Since there is no electrical pin keeper-tracker machine like in bowling alleys, scoring goes like this: If you get a spare, you get to run around and break as many skateboards as you can in five minutes. If you got a strike, you pile the bodies into a half pipe and light it on fire. At the end of the game, you total up your points, get drunk, and pick fights with all the remaining fagtime skateboard poser grommets.

X-Treme bowling is a fun, affordable activity for the whole family and it's done entirely outdoors in a smoke-free environment.

Last updated April 12th, 2004